Oct
13

36 comments

Why Politeness May Be Hurting Your Job Search

Every once in a while I get a reminder that my role here is not to repeat the advice of others but to push the boundaries a little bit. To challenge the status quo. But I don’t always do that. Sometimes I get sucked in to writing posts that are a bit too traditional.

I hope today’s post gets you thinking a bit . . .

Because an interesting cultural phenomena continues in the job search and career market. We are excruciatingly polite and I’m concerned that this may turn into an issue for some of you.

And it is all our mom’s fault. Yes, yours too.

So without delay, I’ll just say it. If you are job seeker, stop being so polite to everyone.

First of all, stop calling me Mr.

I see it all the time in cover letters and e-mail introductions.

Dear Mr. or Ms.

So do you even know the age of the person you are e-mailing? And should it even matter? In a recent e-mail I noticed that a person was “caught” using “Mr.” when writing for the first time to someone. He thought it was appropriate to do so. Turns out the guy he was writing to was 3 years younger than him. Yes, you are using Mr. in a note to a person that was a freshman when you were graduating from high school. The person you had to direct to their first period on day one of school.

Think about it.

The big issue here is that as soon as you use Mr. or Ms. you put yourself in a social position just below the receiver. By definition. As a job seeker, consider that you are not in a different class. Age does not matter. In truth, you are a business person offering your skills and experience to a company in need. They are looking for a solution to a problem. And you may be the solution. So why not just say “Dear Mike” or “Dear Sarah”? Get on even footing from the start and do it with confidence.

And if the hiring manager is a young, social media maven (in work or on the side) you will damage your standing from the start with a “Mr.” introduction.

And stop using generic formalities

Dear Sir or Madam

Madam? Really? This is all part of this beautiful collision between the extreme casual tone displayed in social media and our dwindling but still present sense of manners at all costs from our parents era. And the collision will either be one you avoid or one where you end up being dragged in the mud on Facebook.

So this is wrong in two ways. First, no one uses Sir or Madam any more except in job search. Stop using those words. You might as well be using a pen with a very large feather and writing on parchment paper. But, more important, why are you sending a cover letter to “Sir or Madam” when you could just go into Linkedin and get a name? This solves the Sir or Madam issue in a very clean way. Promise to never send another one of these letters with your resume. Do you promise?

And if you are a hiring manager, please don’t expect a formal introduction to a cover letter. Be open to me calling you “Rob” if that’s your name. Even if we’ve never met and even if I’m ten years younger than you. It’s not an insult. It’s your name.

Job seekers need to take back the high road in communications. And today is the day.

Have I convinced you?

Comments

Sarah DiGioia-Gaston October 13, 2009 @ 7:53 am

Thank you, Tim!
I have felt hamstrung by the politeness drummed into me at childhood and have had friends similarly remark that the have hesitated making that follow-up with a job posting or initial concact made for fear of appearing rude. All this does is leave the good jobs to the actually rude! I’m joking here, but the idea is sound – we need to be noticed so now’s not the time for being too defferential.
- Sarah
Tim Tyrell-Smith October 13, 2009 @ 7:23 pm

Thanks Sarah. “Drummed in” is a great way to describe it. Me too!
Tom October 13, 2009 @ 7:54 pm

Tim,
I wrestled with this very concern last week, when addressing a cover letter to a Sr.VP of a large corporation. He was expecting my contact, after someone in the company had served introduction for me. Having been in business for 30 years, it was hard for me to use “Mr.” in this initial contact salutation, but I did.
It seems I have an undefined “line” that I cross over into “Mr./Ms” territory, based upon size of company and position in said company. An SVP in a smaller company might not have earned the “Mr.”, nor if the person held a lower level position in this same large company.
But in the end, I figured that in the event I were to work in this company, I would be subordinate to the SVP, so I chose the polite route.
Do you feel the company size/position consideration has merit, or would you use first name in all cases?
Gary October 13, 2009 @ 8:31 pm

Depending upon the level of prior communication you may have had with the person you’re writing too, should determine the common sense approach.
Too formal runs its own risk…. a first contact can be formal, but take the lead and ask if you can refer to them by first name. Ageism has nothing to do with it by the way….simple respect is ageless!
Further, don’t forget culture….if we treat all by the culture that we live in and have grown up with….from my experience you can run the risk of seriously ‘messing up’ with informality…..networking and building international relations with people have to be managed sensitively….so be sensitive, ‘modern & informal’ may not work and can back fire.
So for me, courtesy, respect and sensitivity are key….
I agree that we should try and stay away from the Dear Sir/Madam thing, as we should always try to find out who we’re comunicating with!
Tim Tyrell-Smith October 13, 2009 @ 8:46 pm

Hi Tom – Your example is a great one and I appreciate the difficult decision you had to make. In the end, you need to make a decision you can be comfortable with, right?
Honestly, I don’t think company size or relative position matters. And I think you can be gracious and deferential in other ways besides using “Mr.”. Really appreciate your taking the time to comment.
Tim Tyrell-Smith October 13, 2009 @ 8:53 pm

Hi Gary – Thanks for your comment. And I like the different ways you sliced the question (cultural, international). International is a good example of where the social norm may require a more formal approach.
But, I guess I struggle to see how in this modern age that calling someone by their first name is either informal or disrespectful. In the business world I believe we are all relative equals – especially once you get above the manager level. Of course, if you know something about the person you are communicating with – like the fact that they are incredibly formal – makes sense to be more formal in return.
Appreciate the counter-point.
Suzy Ubry October 13, 2009 @ 9:03 pm

Hi Tim,
Great post … I’m convinced along with others it is time to rethink the approach. I concur that with a name you can likely find who you are writing to on LinkedIn. And if you have a connection through your network … even better at knowing who you are connecting with!
After reading your post, I would now agree that if the person does happen to be younger and/or savvy in social media, perhaps using their first name is the more relevant approach. As for someone older, some personal info on the person I am contacting would help me make that call.
As for the Sir or Madam introduction, I’m with Gary on that one! Stay away!
Sharon Morgan October 13, 2009 @ 9:53 pm

Guilty! You’re absolutely right, too. Meeting the same person at a networking event I wouldn’t hesitate to use their first name. And since I’m looking for a position in the technology sector, the culture is definitely more informal than in other industries. Thanks for the tip.
Vince Ferraro October 14, 2009 @ 8:36 am

I think in some parts of the world (like Asia), having some deference or respect is expected – before and after the interview is expected – but it is cultural and regional
Alison Tew October 14, 2009 @ 9:45 am

Very well written article Tim! I enjoyed the read.
I know those drummed in politeness behaviors all too well. I guess we are facing a new age form of writing etiquette to explore.
Thanks for sharing.
Zora October 14, 2009 @ 1:44 pm

Tim, do I understand your following comment correctly?: “In the business world I believe we are all relative equals – especially once you get above the manager level.”
Do you mean that if you are not at a “manager level” you are entitled to use the “sir” “madam” thing because you are at a lower social level?
Otherwise I think the first contact should be rather formal and polite, especially if you don’t know the person you’re contacting and if you’re lucky to have a second contact then you can loosen up a little.
Suniket Fulzele October 14, 2009 @ 5:36 pm

Hi,
It’s an interesting discussion. However I have few points and would appreciate suggestions/advice.
1. What should you write if you are submitting your application online in response to an adv on website ? They often have the option of submitting your cover letter with resume.
2. What is the correct way to write if you do not know any name. Say for eg. you want to write to Hiring Manager or HR Manager but you don’t have a name ?
Tim Tyrell-Smith October 14, 2009 @ 10:27 pm

Thanks for all the great discussion here. Appreciate the identification of an important exception . . . the international company/manager.
@Zora – No. Sir or madam should NEVER be used unless your efforts to find a real name come up short. And my point was that “ALL are relative equals”. As you move up and into positions closer to the level of the hiring manager, the use of a first and last name is even more important and justified(but I believe it is always justified – even at a sub-manager level).
@Suniket – Whether submitting online or not, I would suggest that you need to find a name. Or, even better, do not submit online or through HR but rather find a way to network your resume into the hiring manager in a more personal way. Via someone in your network who can walk your resume in the front door . . .
Career Sherpa October 15, 2009 @ 3:03 am

Tim: Congratulations! Great post and great job getting people thinking and talking.
I agree with your recommendations! We do live in a different world today, therefore, all our communication needs to be updated. Let’s not fall into the old fashioned trap that makes us look mediocre, old or stuffy.
Thanks for pushing the envelope, Sir (LOL)
Tim Tyrell-Smith October 15, 2009 @ 5:50 am

Dear Ms. Sherpa . . . Hannah . . .Thanks for your comment and hope you are doing well!
Carrolyn McClain October 15, 2009 @ 9:20 am

Tim,
Thanks for your post – stuffiness would not be an image that most of us want to portray!
Today’s egalitarian organizations don’t expect those kinds of titles. And please don’t call me madam!
Tim Tyrell-Smith October 15, 2009 @ 7:29 pm

Hi Carrolyn – You got it! Tim
Debbie October 16, 2009 @ 7:16 am

Hi Tim,
Great article – I totally agree with your advice.
What should job seekers do in the case of a blind posting? (no company identifiers, no name, blind address, etc) I just go right into introducing myself without a greeting. Dear Sir or Madam/To Whom It May Concern is deadly and should be abolished along with other outdated business-ese.
Beth Hanser October 16, 2009 @ 8:36 am

Tim: Great information. I would like your take on the follow-up Thank You note. Interviewed for a great position this past week – recruiter was adamant about a handwritten thank you note and delivering it to interviewers office that day.
Tim Tyrell-Smith October 16, 2009 @ 3:48 pm

@Debbie – I think you are right. Dear Sir or Madam sounds generic and outdated. Your thought to just jump right in makes good sense to me!
@Beth – Normally I would question why the urgency for a thank you note. As I’ve said before, if an employer likes you, they will call for a follow-up meeting. If they don’t, a thank you note will not make a difference. But, you may want to ask the recruiter why the urgency? Maybe they know something that you don’t (for example, the hiring manager may be looking for qualities in a candidate that a quick follow-up would nicely illustrate).
If there is a tactical value, go ahead!
Frank Light October 17, 2009 @ 9:08 am

Interesting advice.
I completely agree that “Dear Sir or Madam” sounds stilted and awkward. I tried using “Hello” but it didn’t seem like the tone was right.
I disagree about using “Mr”. I am offended when a complete stranger presumes to address me by my first name. My response is “Excuse me, but do I know you?”
Neal Schaffer October 17, 2009 @ 10:24 am

Tim,
Great stuff! I enjoy your attack on the status quo and the thought that you put behind all of your blog posts. This one, while simple, is powerful in understanding how we are perceived by how we address someone. And I agree with you 100%!!! Communicate with confidence!
- Neal
Stefan Probst October 17, 2009 @ 7:23 pm

If I know nothing, then “Dear HR Department” sounds IMHO friendly enough, but still avoids that antiquated “Dear Sir/Madam”.
And, e.g. in the Philippines, it is standard to call somebody “Sir”, if he is socially higher standing. Here in Vietnam high ranking ladies are often called “Madam”. So, it really depends on the culture you are acting in.
Cheers,
Stefan
Tim Tyrell-Smith October 17, 2009 @ 8:07 pm

@Frank – Thank you for your counter-point. I must say though that I do not understand your being offended. I can certainly see exceptions to my view (cultural or severe age differences), but generally speaking, using someone’s first name hardly seems to be “offensive”. Would love to hear more from you!
@Neal – Great to have your comment. Yes, I’ll keep trying. There is plenty more status quo out there . . .
@Stefan – Dear HR is better than most. I agree. But wouldn’t you rather find a name of someone there? Someone who might open your letter with some attention? Even better, network into someone who could walk it into that person?
And, yes, your Philippines point is well taken – be aware of int’l exceptions in advance. . .
Jim Torpey October 20, 2009 @ 4:04 am

If you can not get a name from an existing internal contact, how about using Dear Prosepective Employer.
No gender, no Mr. or Ms. formality. Just a simple statement of fact regarding the current status of the relationship between the job seeker, and employer.
Tim Tyrell-Smith October 20, 2009 @ 9:28 am

Hi Jim – I would use every possible method to get a name. If you can’t find someone in HR, find someone in the department in which you want to work. Many companies have reward programs for finding new employees. Then you can say: “Dear Mike: Would you mind dropping this off to your HR department?” For me, this is better than “Dear prospective employer” . . .
steve October 20, 2009 @ 6:25 pm

Great stuff, Tim. Any rep trying to get a job in medical sales needs to convey ultimate confidence. You can also learn more about this topic at http://www.gorillamedicalsales.com/blog
Tim Tyrell-Smith October 20, 2009 @ 7:44 pm

Hey Steve – Absolutely agree re: the need for a strong head in a sales interview. Thanks for adding the link (I removed an unnecessary “;” from the url – should work correctly now . . .
Joe Riznar October 20, 2009 @ 8:59 pm

I’m glad Frank mentioned “Hello” as a greeting. He didn’t find it appropriate, but I think it’s a good option for a blind posting. Remember – For decades we have been answering the telephone with “Hello” when we don’t know who is calling. Also, I might be showing my age by saying that I would find it a positive thing to be addressed “Mister”, although it’s not necessary. A young child addressing me by my first name would sound strange to me, but I am very comfortable conversing with people of most ages or from very different social or occupational groups without formalities. I agree that Sir and/or Madam are pretty antique-sounding.
Mister Joe
Tim Tyrell-Smith October 22, 2009 @ 8:52 am

Mister Joe – Thanks for adding your thoughts. This is new ground in some ways as we head into a culture driven, in part, by Gen Y who grew up in a very informal way. It will be interesting! I like it!
Victoria Kayser October 22, 2009 @ 8:43 pm

Tim,
This is great wisdom. We have all been job seekers at one point or another and I would rather have someone call me by my first name. It catches my attention. Thank you for de-fanging this monster of how to address a hiring manager.
Victoria
Accounting Jobs Long Beach October 22, 2009 @ 8:54 pm

I agree you walk a very fine line between being too polite and just being on the same level as the hiring manager. Look just because you are unemployed doesn’t mean you need to be calling everyone Mr. or Mrs. You need to stay confident, be assertive but not demanding. Employers hire people they like.
Tim Tyrell-Smith October 22, 2009 @ 9:32 pm

@Victoria – Well, not everyone has agreed. But thank you. It makes total sense to me!
@Accounting JLB – That is my exact point. Being in transition doesn’t mean you are any less of a smart business person. They hire people they like and RESPECT.
Bryan October 28, 2009 @ 7:43 am

Being a rather young guy I was always under the impression that you were supposed to use the last name with a Mr. or Ms. in front of it. Then include your first and last name at the end.
If they respond to you using your first name then you’re in the clear and can go on responding using their first name from then on.
I have to say I’m still a little uneasy at the potential reception “Dear John” or “Dear Jane” might get. Wouldn’t it be better to use their full name? Especially since you have no idea if they go by Johny or Jannie or by their middle name as many people I know do.
Andrea Ong Pietkiewicz October 28, 2009 @ 4:22 pm

Haha, great point about not using the words “Sir” or “Madam”, although I have to say I was _stunned_ recently at a voice mail I received from a government type checking up on my job search: he identified himself(!) as Mr Blah-blah. The funny part is that I couldn’t work out what his name actually was, no matter how many time I re-played the voice mail.
On a more earnest note, I would think that part of the objective of the process is to identify a cultural match between the parties. In this day and age in North America, it’s unusual to address someone with a Mr/Mrs/etc (Asia, on the other hand, is a different story). Two parties who can’t agree to what constitutes a collegial first meeting probably won’t find a mutually satisfactory relationship.
Tim Tyrell-Smith October 29, 2009 @ 5:19 pm

@Brian – Thanks for your comment and I appreciate your situation. If you have an extreme age difference, it might make sense to adjust this advice (as in the case of some international companies). Your example of when to begin using a first name is fine and is certainly the safe route. If you use the name they use on Linkedin, I don’t think you can go wrong! They provided it as a way they would like to be viewed/addressed in public. If they are really Bill (not William) then I don’t think that’s a big deal. My trick? Read the recommendations people write about them. If all these people who worked with him call him Bill . . . can’t you?
@Andrea – Yes, sometimes voice mail gets really garbled or people speak so fast that you have to replay the message three times! Good point about finding a cultural bridge that allows a less formal or more appropriate greeting.

Why Politeness May Be Hurting Your Job Search

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