Why Politeness May Be Hurting Your Job Search

Thank you, Tim!
I have felt hamstrung by the politeness drummed into me at childhood and have had friends similarly remark that the have hesitated making that follow-up with a job posting or initial concact made for fear of appearing rude. All this does is leave the good jobs to the actually rude! I’m joking here, but the idea is sound – we need to be noticed so now’s not the time for being too defferential.
- Sarah

Thanks Sarah. “Drummed in” is a great way to describe it. Me too!

Tim,
I wrestled with this very concern last week, when addressing a cover letter to a Sr.VP of a large corporation. He was expecting my contact, after someone in the company had served introduction for me. Having been in business for 30 years, it was hard for me to use “Mr.” in this initial contact salutation, but I did.
It seems I have an undefined “line” that I cross over into “Mr./Ms” territory, based upon size of company and position in said company. An SVP in a smaller company might not have earned the “Mr.”, nor if the person held a lower level position in this same large company.
But in the end, I figured that in the event I were to work in this company, I would be subordinate to the SVP, so I chose the polite route.
Do you feel the company size/position consideration has merit, or would you use first name in all cases?

Depending upon the level of prior communication you may have had with the person you’re writing too, should determine the common sense approach.
Too formal runs its own risk…. a first contact can be formal, but take the lead and ask if you can refer to them by first name. Ageism has nothing to do with it by the way….simple respect is ageless!
Further, don’t forget culture….if we treat all by the culture that we live in and have grown up with….from my experience you can run the risk of seriously ‘messing up’ with informality…..networking and building international relations with people have to be managed sensitively….so be sensitive, ‘modern & informal’ may not work and can back fire.
So for me, courtesy, respect and sensitivity are key….
I agree that we should try and stay away from the Dear Sir/Madam thing, as we should always try to find out who we’re comunicating with!

Hi Tom – Your example is a great one and I appreciate the difficult decision you had to make. In the end, you need to make a decision you can be comfortable with, right?
Honestly, I don’t think company size or relative position matters. And I think you can be gracious and deferential in other ways besides using “Mr.”. Really appreciate your taking the time to comment.

Hi Gary – Thanks for your comment. And I like the different ways you sliced the question (cultural, international). International is a good example of where the social norm may require a more formal approach.
But, I guess I struggle to see how in this modern age that calling someone by their first name is either informal or disrespectful. In the business world I believe we are all relative equals – especially once you get above the manager level. Of course, if you know something about the person you are communicating with – like the fact that they are incredibly formal – makes sense to be more formal in return.
Appreciate the counter-point.

Hi Tim,
Great post … I’m convinced along with others it is time to rethink the approach. I concur that with a name you can likely find who you are writing to on LinkedIn. And if you have a connection through your network … even better at knowing who you are connecting with!
After reading your post, I would now agree that if the person does happen to be younger and/or savvy in social media, perhaps using their first name is the more relevant approach. As for someone older, some personal info on the person I am contacting would help me make that call.
As for the Sir or Madam introduction, I’m with Gary on that one! Stay away!

Guilty! You’re absolutely right, too. Meeting the same person at a networking event I wouldn’t hesitate to use their first name. And since I’m looking for a position in the technology sector, the culture is definitely more informal than in other industries. Thanks for the tip.

I think in some parts of the world (like Asia), having some deference or respect is expected – before and after the interview is expected – but it is cultural and regional

Very well written article Tim! I enjoyed the read.
I know those drummed in politeness behaviors all too well. I guess we are facing a new age form of writing etiquette to explore.
Thanks for sharing.

Tim, do I understand your following comment correctly?: “In the business world I believe we are all relative equals – especially once you get above the manager level.”
Do you mean that if you are not at a “manager level” you are entitled to use the “sir” “madam” thing because you are at a lower social level?
Otherwise I think the first contact should be rather formal and polite, especially if you don’t know the person you’re contacting and if you’re lucky to have a second contact then you can loosen up a little.

Hi,
It’s an interesting discussion. However I have few points and would appreciate suggestions/advice.
1. What should you write if you are submitting your application online in response to an adv on website ? They often have the option of submitting your cover letter with resume.
2. What is the correct way to write if you do not know any name. Say for eg. you want to write to Hiring Manager or HR Manager but you don’t have a name ?

Thanks for all the great discussion here. Appreciate the identification of an important exception . . . the international company/manager.
@Zora – No. Sir or madam should NEVER be used unless your efforts to find a real name come up short. And my point was that “ALL are relative equals”. As you move up and into positions closer to the level of the hiring manager, the use of a first and last name is even more important and justified(but I believe it is always justified – even at a sub-manager level).
@Suniket – Whether submitting online or not, I would suggest that you need to find a name. Or, even better, do not submit online or through HR but rather find a way to network your resume into the hiring manager in a more personal way. Via someone in your network who can walk your resume in the front door . . .

Tim: Congratulations! Great post and great job getting people thinking and talking.
I agree with your recommendations! We do live in a different world today, therefore, all our communication needs to be updated. Let’s not fall into the old fashioned trap that makes us look mediocre, old or stuffy.
Thanks for pushing the envelope, Sir (LOL)

Dear Ms. Sherpa . . . Hannah . . .Thanks for your comment and hope you are doing well!

Tim,
Thanks for your post – stuffiness would not be an image that most of us want to portray!
Today’s egalitarian organizations don’t expect those kinds of titles. And please don’t call me madam!

Hi Carrolyn – You got it! Tim

Hi Tim,
Great article – I totally agree with your advice.
What should job seekers do in the case of a blind posting? (no company identifiers, no name, blind address, etc) I just go right into introducing myself without a greeting. Dear Sir or Madam/To Whom It May Concern is deadly and should be abolished along with other outdated business-ese.

Tim: Great information. I would like your take on the follow-up Thank You note. Interviewed for a great position this past week – recruiter was adamant about a handwritten thank you note and delivering it to interviewers office that day.

@Debbie – I think you are right. Dear Sir or Madam sounds generic and outdated. Your thought to just jump right in makes good sense to me!
@Beth – Normally I would question why the urgency for a thank you note. As I’ve said before, if an employer likes you, they will call for a follow-up meeting. If they don’t, a thank you note will not make a difference. But, you may want to ask the recruiter why the urgency? Maybe they know something that you don’t (for example, the hiring manager may be looking for qualities in a candidate that a quick follow-up would nicely illustrate).
If there is a tactical value, go ahead!

Interesting advice.
I completely agree that “Dear Sir or Madam” sounds stilted and awkward. I tried using “Hello” but it didn’t seem like the tone was right.
I disagree about using “Mr”. I am offended when a complete stranger presumes to address me by my first name. My response is “Excuse me, but do I know you?”

Tim,
Great stuff! I enjoy your attack on the status quo and the thought that you put behind all of your blog posts. This one, while simple, is powerful in understanding how we are perceived by how we address someone. And I agree with you 100%!!! Communicate with confidence!
- Neal

If I know nothing, then “Dear HR Department” sounds IMHO friendly enough, but still avoids that antiquated “Dear Sir/Madam”.
And, e.g. in the Philippines, it is standard to call somebody “Sir”, if he is socially higher standing. Here in Vietnam high ranking ladies are often called “Madam”. So, it really depends on the culture you are acting in.
Cheers,
Stefan

@Frank – Thank you for your counter-point. I must say though that I do not understand your being offended. I can certainly see exceptions to my view (cultural or severe age differences), but generally speaking, using someone’s first name hardly seems to be “offensive”. Would love to hear more from you!
@Neal – Great to have your comment. Yes, I’ll keep trying. There is plenty more status quo out there . . .
@Stefan – Dear HR is better than most. I agree. But wouldn’t you rather find a name of someone there? Someone who might open your letter with some attention? Even better, network into someone who could walk it into that person?
And, yes, your Philippines point is well taken – be aware of int’l exceptions in advance. . .

If you can not get a name from an existing internal contact, how about using Dear Prosepective Employer.
No gender, no Mr. or Ms. formality. Just a simple statement of fact regarding the current status of the relationship between the job seeker, and employer.